I dream/

I sit in bed at night
and dream of love

but dreaming sounds so innocent
So, indifferent as I'd enjoy to obtain such a thing

but its not i'd enjoy to..
its I FREAKING NEED TOO

I'm not desperate, or anything like that. I'll never rush to a guy because i'm lonely

Thats stupid, pointless, and will end in disaster I'd imagine.
Ever feel alone?
Undesirable?

I'm sorry.

I miss love.
once obtained
quickly stolen

I'm truely concerned that it will never return in such a pure, state as I had it.
In such a strong state

its not dissolved
Time hasn't changed anything...
on my end anyway

This isn't about him

I want a new him.
one that is here.
with me
me
me
me
me..

One that will pick me up when i've had an absolutely horrid day and with out hesitation go out with me to get a burger
one I can lie next to and at the soft, brush of his breath get goosebumps all over my body

I'm enveloped in a society where so many people, have that... or somthing close or fake to help them get by....


Until than, I"ll just occupy my time looking at those pictures...
dreaming one day I"ll have some of my own

when were lost in eachothers eyes.

Wake up Call

Should someone slap me in the face?
maybe if they hit me hard enough... i'll forget him
Its currently been almost Nine Months. since it was deemed over.
and guess what. I'm NOT over... him

You know the expression time heals all.
how much "time" are the exactly talking about?

Maybe I need a wake up call.
One telling me that its stupid, and childish, and Irelevent to even care anymore..

But, I know its not.

and I can't stop.
I hate telling, and admitting the strong ties I still have to him to anyone.
Because lets face it who wants to be the friend who never lets something goes and constantly complains... not me..
so I'll settle for this. My good ol' Faithful Blog

I still dream of him..
Is that Bad?

I still wake up some mornings and try my best to look nice, just in case I run into him
is that Bad?

I try to gather as much information from other people, so I can at least pretend like I know whats going on in his life...

This is stupid.
I am for that matter
I don't even know what i'm saying or writing or anything. I just
am. and I can't even manage to stop my fingers from moving.
I just miss him.

thats all.

I'm just... sick of this.

I'm sorry....

Where has childhood gone.

Today, Something small was said, that struck me hard in a drastic way.
Between the usual joking banter with my Dad he told me to rake the grass.
I as usual said "what about your son! ? huhh why can't he do it?
My dad replied laughing hey, he will be gone in a month and you'll have to do all the chores.

This struck hard and deep, Like a blow to the chest.
Not Due to the chores, I could care less.
But to the fact in one months time my only sibling left would move out of the house.
and I will be all alone..
never again will I live with my Sister and Brother.
The past seventeen years of argueing and laughing, the games we invented
The countless hours we played school. will all be gone
How I walk inside everyday and get so mad bc there is a giant mess that I have to clean up from my brothers food parade...
But soon I'll walk in and nothing will be left to see but A clean kitchen..
I don't know if I can handle that.
I don't know how I can handle the Empty room downstairs.
How There won't be fighting over the remote.
Or shotgun

Or the parking spot in the garage when Dad is out of town...

I'll miss those random nights, when we decide to talk for hours and catch up. and it always makes me so happy.
I know, You may think i'm being over dramatic. He isn't dieing, and I"ll still see him.
but its so different now...

The seventeen years of knowing if I get scared in a few steps is A sister, or brother that I can sleep on the floor besides there bed.

I feel as if my childhood is ending.
The relationship with my brother and sister will never be the same.
And all those wasted years of not talking. walking around the house almost not noting eachothers existance... is wasted.
its gone and can never be regained. soon we'll be grown up. married. and
Have to sceduale weeks in advance just to have a lunch together. catch up.

I don't know. I guess the question is

Where did time go?

Mood swing

For Lack of better words this is entitled mood swing
I'm not talking about the quickly ohhh I love life. get away from me! PMS Kinda thing
I'm talking about how everything seems to be lovely, in your life.
and than one day you wake up and it seems that everything and everyone is gone.
Almost to have been sucked into a vast hole, and you were the only one not taken.
or worse, that everyone chose to leave and somewhere along the way you never even realized you weren't invited.

Until today, Your sitting here, wonderfing what went wrong.
When did this happen, and your struck with the realization that if you didn't even notice them leave. than maybe, it is your fault they left.
Let me tell you its a horrible feeling.

There is nothing like feeling like your losing your best friend,
sometimes its out of jealousy
or out of pure anxiety
when in reality she is still there.
Maybe, were supposed to be afraid
otherwise, maybe we don't really care.
because if we lose them, it doesn't matter.
but if we do lose them, it does, so thats why we worry.
I"m not sure. and if That doesn't make any sense to what i'm trying to emote
I deeply apologize at the moment i'm having a crisis.
and wondering what happened.

Breaking up with someone is hard.
You lose your guy, that special person that makes you feel like your worth something
not only that but that your extraordinary.
but you can bounce back, after many months, why?
because you have your friends
the ones that back you up, hold your hand and scream shit.

Because, they hate seeing you so conflicted.
Losing a friend on the other hand.

You can't, recover, the same
You can't just find another. bestfriend
like you can a guy. a guy is a guy..
a best friend, is a sister is a Soul mate

I just, I don't know.
I'm lost, and confused. and
maybe i'm just over emotional, but one day I woke up.
and I wondered....

where did everyone go?

A Fable.

I thought I'd start today's Blog with a poem.
Its entitled A fable, A tale.
I won't tell you exactly what I was talking about. Due, to the
fact of its up for your own interpretation, thoughts, and
discoveries, however, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it,
and its content. enjoy....?




I lie in bed and watch the rain fall from the desperate sky
Staring through the transparent glass seeing into your lies
Behind those striking eyes of yours you seem to believe
That you never cared, you never once wanted me
That day you said you did, those eyes of yours told a tale
A fable so true to me I never suspected it wasn’t real.
I get caught by your haunting gaze that captures in my thoughts
I wish, that I could overt my eyes but no my heart is caught
Caught between your smile and your inconsistent words
Words that control me, words so desperate to be heard
I sit and listen carefully praying they’ll be spoken
Because when it becomes silent I know I have awoken
You’ve always been a dream to me, that one day you’ll be mine
But when that day comes maybe then I’ll come to find
That once again I’ve been mislead down your fable tale
The one I’ve always wanted, the one that never will be real.



endddd:

Why is it so many a time we fall for it, fall for everything.
why is it that the can convince you anything, with their eyes.
They'll look into you deep, penatrating the wall you built so strategically
to shut Them out, untilt they are deamed safe.
yea, well. So many people, Know how to misuse their eyes.
Almost to a sickening point.
they know how to minapulate you, into commiting acts you never intended to do.
to believing lies.
and most of all, they know how to use them to make you fall in love.
even, if they're never willing too fall in love back,or never have the intention
too anyway.
I know at this point, to of you few that are reading
your doing one of two things
a. your agreeing because you know exactly what I mean unfortunately.
or
b. Your wondering just quite how cynical I am.
To those of you thinking b. Just, know that this is my thoughts, my deep ones. and I truely do enjoy life.
yes, its filled with some horrible things, but, for the most part, I adore it.
What you have to remember. is for me at least.

"I don't wish for a perfect life, because the mundaneous of it all, would kill me before any hard, difficult time would"
i said that one day. and ever since than. thats what I live by
I remember that without the bad times. The good ones wouldn't be half as sweet.

Point being, looks, are haunting. they'll be embedded in your memory, for a lifetime. more than words, or names, or memories. but trust me you'll remember countless gazes in your lifetime.
just be careful who you give the power to embed them too.


Thoughts?

When Does Time Stop?

When does time stop?
I mean ultimately we know the answer is never.
due to its impossibility.
but, with every lifetime there are countless, encounters and moments That it seems to. or you wish it too.
However, Now I find myself not in the moment wishing it, I just wish I could go back and relive it like a broken record. and I know that the magic, or power of that moment wouldn't ever subside.
I lie awake dreaming. yes, Not when i'm asleep, when i'm asleep i'm haunted by thoughts and fact, that it can never occur, my subconcious thoughts over power my hatred for those dreams. and they just continue.
So, I just lie awake and remember.
sometimes, they try to run away.
The memories try to escape, to tell me that it never happened.
I lie there grasping trying to retain them. trying to hold on to them so tightly wanted to scream, don't leave me. Because, there will be times that all you will have are the memories.
and I will hold them so close, that they will never escape.

or become distorted.

Sometimes when tragedy, strikes you wish time would stop.
I know after my car wreck time passed so quickly 2 hours seemed like
five minutes, granted this was due to the commotion and choas that was just held. but still. it happened.

that was my closest encounter to time stopping
because for me, the beautiful moments, my best moments in life. the
kind that make life beautiful and worth while, pass to quickly

sometimes, I need time to stop. Because honestly, i'm not ready to move on. I need time to cease so I can regain myself, compose myself, and than let me move on

But, while I sit and wish and dwell on the tragedy that had just entered my life.
I feel like the whole world should stop and mourn with me.
That what had just happened, isn't right, or fair,
and the fact that people all over right now are laughing, living, and experiencing possibly the greatest moment in their life isn't right. it just doesn't seem that way.
At the loss of my friend this past weekend, i still returned to work, trying to distract myself
from the loss that I had just experienced.
She is whole,
we a broken.
ironic.
that when she was dieing.
she taught us all how to live.
she was an inspiration and the loss of her. I prayed, and pleed that time would stop as I was
curled under my blankets, that time should stop. But, it wouldn't
The clock just ticked tauntingly next to me. refusing to fufill my plea

But, now. I will live. I will await those precious most that seem to pass to quickly.

question of the day:
why is it someone 'you used to spend hours on end talking to with ease, now you struggle to hold a conversation for more than 30 seconds...
bc I don't understand


Random Fact of the Day:
today, I bought fruit:D and i'm rather excited I just thought you should know.


Poem of the day:
An image. My image.
I stare at an image so serene and clear
It brings water to my eyes, one crystal like tear
Its just a boy and girl, on a path
.I quietly walk behind not daring to pass.
Because as I watch them walk along
I watch her realize he would never do her wrong
.In a moment I finally realize that I’m that girl
With this my complex mind starts to whirlIf that’s me and that’s you.
How am I watching from this point of view
I’m watching from a distance I can’t interrupt
I watch us walk but stop so abrupt
I watch him slowly stroke my face
I want to experience this moment let me stand in my place
His lips slowly part he mouths a some words or two
I listen quietly to hear my simple reply I love you.
And that moment a tear slid down my skin
I realized this happened already I’m reliving it again
I hear my name called. Than followed by pay attention
Just a quick sweet remembrance that failed to mention
The part when we had to utter goodbye
.I watched him walk away through my glazed eyes
.But sure enough the next day he came again
Stared into my eyes. I was lost in him.