Wake up Call

Should someone slap me in the face?
maybe if they hit me hard enough... i'll forget him
Its currently been almost Nine Months. since it was deemed over.
and guess what. I'm NOT over... him

You know the expression time heals all.
how much "time" are the exactly talking about?

Maybe I need a wake up call.
One telling me that its stupid, and childish, and Irelevent to even care anymore..

But, I know its not.

and I can't stop.
I hate telling, and admitting the strong ties I still have to him to anyone.
Because lets face it who wants to be the friend who never lets something goes and constantly complains... not me..
so I'll settle for this. My good ol' Faithful Blog

I still dream of him..
Is that Bad?

I still wake up some mornings and try my best to look nice, just in case I run into him
is that Bad?

I try to gather as much information from other people, so I can at least pretend like I know whats going on in his life...

This is stupid.
I am for that matter
I don't even know what i'm saying or writing or anything. I just
am. and I can't even manage to stop my fingers from moving.
I just miss him.

thats all.

I'm just... sick of this.

I'm sorry....

Where has childhood gone.

Today, Something small was said, that struck me hard in a drastic way.
Between the usual joking banter with my Dad he told me to rake the grass.
I as usual said "what about your son! ? huhh why can't he do it?
My dad replied laughing hey, he will be gone in a month and you'll have to do all the chores.

This struck hard and deep, Like a blow to the chest.
Not Due to the chores, I could care less.
But to the fact in one months time my only sibling left would move out of the house.
and I will be all alone..
never again will I live with my Sister and Brother.
The past seventeen years of argueing and laughing, the games we invented
The countless hours we played school. will all be gone
How I walk inside everyday and get so mad bc there is a giant mess that I have to clean up from my brothers food parade...
But soon I'll walk in and nothing will be left to see but A clean kitchen..
I don't know if I can handle that.
I don't know how I can handle the Empty room downstairs.
How There won't be fighting over the remote.
Or shotgun

Or the parking spot in the garage when Dad is out of town...

I'll miss those random nights, when we decide to talk for hours and catch up. and it always makes me so happy.
I know, You may think i'm being over dramatic. He isn't dieing, and I"ll still see him.
but its so different now...

The seventeen years of knowing if I get scared in a few steps is A sister, or brother that I can sleep on the floor besides there bed.

I feel as if my childhood is ending.
The relationship with my brother and sister will never be the same.
And all those wasted years of not talking. walking around the house almost not noting eachothers existance... is wasted.
its gone and can never be regained. soon we'll be grown up. married. and
Have to sceduale weeks in advance just to have a lunch together. catch up.

I don't know. I guess the question is

Where did time go?