Mood swing

For Lack of better words this is entitled mood swing
I'm not talking about the quickly ohhh I love life. get away from me! PMS Kinda thing
I'm talking about how everything seems to be lovely, in your life.
and than one day you wake up and it seems that everything and everyone is gone.
Almost to have been sucked into a vast hole, and you were the only one not taken.
or worse, that everyone chose to leave and somewhere along the way you never even realized you weren't invited.

Until today, Your sitting here, wonderfing what went wrong.
When did this happen, and your struck with the realization that if you didn't even notice them leave. than maybe, it is your fault they left.
Let me tell you its a horrible feeling.

There is nothing like feeling like your losing your best friend,
sometimes its out of jealousy
or out of pure anxiety
when in reality she is still there.
Maybe, were supposed to be afraid
otherwise, maybe we don't really care.
because if we lose them, it doesn't matter.
but if we do lose them, it does, so thats why we worry.
I"m not sure. and if That doesn't make any sense to what i'm trying to emote
I deeply apologize at the moment i'm having a crisis.
and wondering what happened.

Breaking up with someone is hard.
You lose your guy, that special person that makes you feel like your worth something
not only that but that your extraordinary.
but you can bounce back, after many months, why?
because you have your friends
the ones that back you up, hold your hand and scream shit.

Because, they hate seeing you so conflicted.
Losing a friend on the other hand.

You can't, recover, the same
You can't just find another. bestfriend
like you can a guy. a guy is a guy..
a best friend, is a sister is a Soul mate

I just, I don't know.
I'm lost, and confused. and
maybe i'm just over emotional, but one day I woke up.
and I wondered....

where did everyone go?

A Fable.

I thought I'd start today's Blog with a poem.
Its entitled A fable, A tale.
I won't tell you exactly what I was talking about. Due, to the
fact of its up for your own interpretation, thoughts, and
discoveries, however, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it,
and its content. enjoy....?




I lie in bed and watch the rain fall from the desperate sky
Staring through the transparent glass seeing into your lies
Behind those striking eyes of yours you seem to believe
That you never cared, you never once wanted me
That day you said you did, those eyes of yours told a tale
A fable so true to me I never suspected it wasn’t real.
I get caught by your haunting gaze that captures in my thoughts
I wish, that I could overt my eyes but no my heart is caught
Caught between your smile and your inconsistent words
Words that control me, words so desperate to be heard
I sit and listen carefully praying they’ll be spoken
Because when it becomes silent I know I have awoken
You’ve always been a dream to me, that one day you’ll be mine
But when that day comes maybe then I’ll come to find
That once again I’ve been mislead down your fable tale
The one I’ve always wanted, the one that never will be real.



endddd:

Why is it so many a time we fall for it, fall for everything.
why is it that the can convince you anything, with their eyes.
They'll look into you deep, penatrating the wall you built so strategically
to shut Them out, untilt they are deamed safe.
yea, well. So many people, Know how to misuse their eyes.
Almost to a sickening point.
they know how to minapulate you, into commiting acts you never intended to do.
to believing lies.
and most of all, they know how to use them to make you fall in love.
even, if they're never willing too fall in love back,or never have the intention
too anyway.
I know at this point, to of you few that are reading
your doing one of two things
a. your agreeing because you know exactly what I mean unfortunately.
or
b. Your wondering just quite how cynical I am.
To those of you thinking b. Just, know that this is my thoughts, my deep ones. and I truely do enjoy life.
yes, its filled with some horrible things, but, for the most part, I adore it.
What you have to remember. is for me at least.

"I don't wish for a perfect life, because the mundaneous of it all, would kill me before any hard, difficult time would"
i said that one day. and ever since than. thats what I live by
I remember that without the bad times. The good ones wouldn't be half as sweet.

Point being, looks, are haunting. they'll be embedded in your memory, for a lifetime. more than words, or names, or memories. but trust me you'll remember countless gazes in your lifetime.
just be careful who you give the power to embed them too.


Thoughts?

When Does Time Stop?

When does time stop?
I mean ultimately we know the answer is never.
due to its impossibility.
but, with every lifetime there are countless, encounters and moments That it seems to. or you wish it too.
However, Now I find myself not in the moment wishing it, I just wish I could go back and relive it like a broken record. and I know that the magic, or power of that moment wouldn't ever subside.
I lie awake dreaming. yes, Not when i'm asleep, when i'm asleep i'm haunted by thoughts and fact, that it can never occur, my subconcious thoughts over power my hatred for those dreams. and they just continue.
So, I just lie awake and remember.
sometimes, they try to run away.
The memories try to escape, to tell me that it never happened.
I lie there grasping trying to retain them. trying to hold on to them so tightly wanted to scream, don't leave me. Because, there will be times that all you will have are the memories.
and I will hold them so close, that they will never escape.

or become distorted.

Sometimes when tragedy, strikes you wish time would stop.
I know after my car wreck time passed so quickly 2 hours seemed like
five minutes, granted this was due to the commotion and choas that was just held. but still. it happened.

that was my closest encounter to time stopping
because for me, the beautiful moments, my best moments in life. the
kind that make life beautiful and worth while, pass to quickly

sometimes, I need time to stop. Because honestly, i'm not ready to move on. I need time to cease so I can regain myself, compose myself, and than let me move on

But, while I sit and wish and dwell on the tragedy that had just entered my life.
I feel like the whole world should stop and mourn with me.
That what had just happened, isn't right, or fair,
and the fact that people all over right now are laughing, living, and experiencing possibly the greatest moment in their life isn't right. it just doesn't seem that way.
At the loss of my friend this past weekend, i still returned to work, trying to distract myself
from the loss that I had just experienced.
She is whole,
we a broken.
ironic.
that when she was dieing.
she taught us all how to live.
she was an inspiration and the loss of her. I prayed, and pleed that time would stop as I was
curled under my blankets, that time should stop. But, it wouldn't
The clock just ticked tauntingly next to me. refusing to fufill my plea

But, now. I will live. I will await those precious most that seem to pass to quickly.

question of the day:
why is it someone 'you used to spend hours on end talking to with ease, now you struggle to hold a conversation for more than 30 seconds...
bc I don't understand


Random Fact of the Day:
today, I bought fruit:D and i'm rather excited I just thought you should know.


Poem of the day:
An image. My image.
I stare at an image so serene and clear
It brings water to my eyes, one crystal like tear
Its just a boy and girl, on a path
.I quietly walk behind not daring to pass.
Because as I watch them walk along
I watch her realize he would never do her wrong
.In a moment I finally realize that I’m that girl
With this my complex mind starts to whirlIf that’s me and that’s you.
How am I watching from this point of view
I’m watching from a distance I can’t interrupt
I watch us walk but stop so abrupt
I watch him slowly stroke my face
I want to experience this moment let me stand in my place
His lips slowly part he mouths a some words or two
I listen quietly to hear my simple reply I love you.
And that moment a tear slid down my skin
I realized this happened already I’m reliving it again
I hear my name called. Than followed by pay attention
Just a quick sweet remembrance that failed to mention
The part when we had to utter goodbye
.I watched him walk away through my glazed eyes
.But sure enough the next day he came again
Stared into my eyes. I was lost in him.

my thoughts.

I
can
Not
Take
my family
any
longer.

An Accurate Depiction

sooo, this is a story.
That I wrote.
please tell me your thoughts or oppinions, thank you. :)








It was two o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday night and she sat on her tan carpeted floor hardly stirring at all. She sat there alone. It didn’t matter how late it was, she couldn‘t manage to close her eyes and silence the thoughts that pounded inside her head repetitively, long enough to fall asleep. She was exhausted in everyway, physically, emotionally, and mentally. But it didn’t matter she couldn’t sleep. She stared at her clear, still image in that mirror. That mirror that leaned against her wall, With notes and doodles taped along the edges that her and her friends had drawn during the countless hours they spent at school. A paper thin layer of dust covered the reflecting glass. She lifted her arm enveloped in her long dark blue sleeve and wiped it off. Seeing clearer the reflection it held. Did everyone else see what she did? Did they see the reflection before her? She reached out as to touch the person that was displayed before her eyes. Wishing she could change what she saw. If she could just alter it in almost ever way. At this she scooted closer to the mirror that emulated her image. Learning in till her face was only inches away from the mirror. She stared intensely at her own eyes. At what they held. She watched them slowly be covered with a layer of pent up water. Tears that she had been holding back for months. She didn’t ease up her gaze as the water increased and escaped those hazel eyes of hers. She wondered if everyone could see her weakness, hurt, or all that was going on inside of her. She was afraid they could see. That the whole world knew with one quick, simple glance all that she was feeling. Its why she most of the time avoided any eye contact, even those she was closest to. She feared people could see what was stirring with in her. That she was insecure, inept and broken. She was afraid that they could see the secret that developed more with each passing day. She kept looking. Looking into her eyes. That if maybe she looked long, and deep enough they would give some answer to the unrelenting questions as to who she was, and Who she was supposed to be. Neither of these she had an answer too. All she knew was she wanted to change. Wanted to hide the feelings ceiled with in her. The emotions that never let up. As tears streamed down her face and engulfed her eyes. The image she saw before her became imprecise, and blurred. She liked it that way. She couldn’t see herself. It was a more accurate depiction because honestly, she didn’t even know who she was supposed to see. She didn’t know who she was, or who she was meant to be She sat on that tan floor for hours. Tears streaming down her pale skin until her eyes turned bloodshot from the pain, and confusion with in her. She sat in complete silence until the sound of the rain lulled that beautiful lost girl to sleep.

Its funny isn't it...

Its funny isn't it. how we search for so long for something true to come along.
for something to happen that You can't explain
for that Someone... that makes you feel so alive
who doesn't take your breath away like everyone says
but He gives you a reason to breath.
I don't believe in love at first sight.
but you can feel an instant longing for them.
and that was there.
the countless months, the attatchment grew
the conversations lengthened. and it became more real
its funny isn't it...
how you think everything is fine until you meet them
and than you can't seem to remember what it was like before.
you remember everything since the day you met him though
down to exactly what he was wearing. well I do anyway
I remember the feeling, of everything the first time I saw him, the first time he said I miss you, the first time he broke my heart, and the first time we kissed.
They didn't go in the normal order but it didn't matter.
Our love was disfunctional.
but it was ours. so it didn't matter. I loved it anyway
some say it isn't worth the tears. but how do you know its real if you never cry.
I knew it was
I always knew...
I knew the way I'd stare at the clocks dreading the way the always seemed to whirl faster and faster

they would laugh at me ticking away showing pretty soon he'd have to leave and I just sit there
smiling remembering how great that night was

its funny isn't it...
that with each increasing day, I wanted him more.
talking for hours about nonsense. and laughing harder than ever before.
he understood me. unlike anyone else. and I understood him. the way he
would paint a picture and make his words flow almost melodically.
it was beautiful and it captured my attention

I remember the way I was afraid of my new school. I wished he would be going their with me. I wished everday we lived in the same town not 40 minutes away.
he sent me off with the words of Sarah, be yourself people will love you.
how... I asked in my worried tone
because your charismatic.
its funny isn't it.
how that made me smile more than any other compliment
how I craved just to hear his voice. to see his face.
I was shy in some aspects when he tried to get close

its funny isn't it ...
how he loved it. how he loved to watch me squirm
he would get close as if he was going to kiss my cheek just to watch me turn bright red
and shake.
I got goosebumps and everything.
and instead of him asking why I was soo "prude" he's laugh and watch me do it over and over again
he loved it.
and he made me feel comfortable.
and when we finally kissed.
I pray that anyone feels the way it does. when its innocent and sweet. and been anticipated for months.
I almost died. I turned redder than imaginable I could feel it and he just held me and whispered how adorable it was.

Its funny isn't it...
how the person who can make you the happiest.
can make you the saddest

its funny isn't it...
how, you finally are with him.
and he's taken from you

its funny isn't it...
how 6 month later you sit in your bed
remember the days he played piano for you
laughed with you
staring at the pictures
and the concerts and the times

its funny isn't it..
that you can wake up just like every other day and grab a shirt
but when you realize which one you grabbed you remember what happened the day you wore it with him

its funny isn't it...
that when he told you he loved you...
it was after you knew you could never be with him again

lifes funny that wayy isn't it?