I dream/

I sit in bed at night
and dream of love

but dreaming sounds so innocent
So, indifferent as I'd enjoy to obtain such a thing

but its not i'd enjoy to..
its I FREAKING NEED TOO

I'm not desperate, or anything like that. I'll never rush to a guy because i'm lonely

Thats stupid, pointless, and will end in disaster I'd imagine.
Ever feel alone?
Undesirable?

I'm sorry.

I miss love.
once obtained
quickly stolen

I'm truely concerned that it will never return in such a pure, state as I had it.
In such a strong state

its not dissolved
Time hasn't changed anything...
on my end anyway

This isn't about him

I want a new him.
one that is here.
with me
me
me
me
me..

One that will pick me up when i've had an absolutely horrid day and with out hesitation go out with me to get a burger
one I can lie next to and at the soft, brush of his breath get goosebumps all over my body

I'm enveloped in a society where so many people, have that... or somthing close or fake to help them get by....


Until than, I"ll just occupy my time looking at those pictures...
dreaming one day I"ll have some of my own

when were lost in eachothers eyes.

Wake up Call

Should someone slap me in the face?
maybe if they hit me hard enough... i'll forget him
Its currently been almost Nine Months. since it was deemed over.
and guess what. I'm NOT over... him

You know the expression time heals all.
how much "time" are the exactly talking about?

Maybe I need a wake up call.
One telling me that its stupid, and childish, and Irelevent to even care anymore..

But, I know its not.

and I can't stop.
I hate telling, and admitting the strong ties I still have to him to anyone.
Because lets face it who wants to be the friend who never lets something goes and constantly complains... not me..
so I'll settle for this. My good ol' Faithful Blog

I still dream of him..
Is that Bad?

I still wake up some mornings and try my best to look nice, just in case I run into him
is that Bad?

I try to gather as much information from other people, so I can at least pretend like I know whats going on in his life...

This is stupid.
I am for that matter
I don't even know what i'm saying or writing or anything. I just
am. and I can't even manage to stop my fingers from moving.
I just miss him.

thats all.

I'm just... sick of this.

I'm sorry....

Where has childhood gone.

Today, Something small was said, that struck me hard in a drastic way.
Between the usual joking banter with my Dad he told me to rake the grass.
I as usual said "what about your son! ? huhh why can't he do it?
My dad replied laughing hey, he will be gone in a month and you'll have to do all the chores.

This struck hard and deep, Like a blow to the chest.
Not Due to the chores, I could care less.
But to the fact in one months time my only sibling left would move out of the house.
and I will be all alone..
never again will I live with my Sister and Brother.
The past seventeen years of argueing and laughing, the games we invented
The countless hours we played school. will all be gone
How I walk inside everyday and get so mad bc there is a giant mess that I have to clean up from my brothers food parade...
But soon I'll walk in and nothing will be left to see but A clean kitchen..
I don't know if I can handle that.
I don't know how I can handle the Empty room downstairs.
How There won't be fighting over the remote.
Or shotgun

Or the parking spot in the garage when Dad is out of town...

I'll miss those random nights, when we decide to talk for hours and catch up. and it always makes me so happy.
I know, You may think i'm being over dramatic. He isn't dieing, and I"ll still see him.
but its so different now...

The seventeen years of knowing if I get scared in a few steps is A sister, or brother that I can sleep on the floor besides there bed.

I feel as if my childhood is ending.
The relationship with my brother and sister will never be the same.
And all those wasted years of not talking. walking around the house almost not noting eachothers existance... is wasted.
its gone and can never be regained. soon we'll be grown up. married. and
Have to sceduale weeks in advance just to have a lunch together. catch up.

I don't know. I guess the question is

Where did time go?

Mood swing

For Lack of better words this is entitled mood swing
I'm not talking about the quickly ohhh I love life. get away from me! PMS Kinda thing
I'm talking about how everything seems to be lovely, in your life.
and than one day you wake up and it seems that everything and everyone is gone.
Almost to have been sucked into a vast hole, and you were the only one not taken.
or worse, that everyone chose to leave and somewhere along the way you never even realized you weren't invited.

Until today, Your sitting here, wonderfing what went wrong.
When did this happen, and your struck with the realization that if you didn't even notice them leave. than maybe, it is your fault they left.
Let me tell you its a horrible feeling.

There is nothing like feeling like your losing your best friend,
sometimes its out of jealousy
or out of pure anxiety
when in reality she is still there.
Maybe, were supposed to be afraid
otherwise, maybe we don't really care.
because if we lose them, it doesn't matter.
but if we do lose them, it does, so thats why we worry.
I"m not sure. and if That doesn't make any sense to what i'm trying to emote
I deeply apologize at the moment i'm having a crisis.
and wondering what happened.

Breaking up with someone is hard.
You lose your guy, that special person that makes you feel like your worth something
not only that but that your extraordinary.
but you can bounce back, after many months, why?
because you have your friends
the ones that back you up, hold your hand and scream shit.

Because, they hate seeing you so conflicted.
Losing a friend on the other hand.

You can't, recover, the same
You can't just find another. bestfriend
like you can a guy. a guy is a guy..
a best friend, is a sister is a Soul mate

I just, I don't know.
I'm lost, and confused. and
maybe i'm just over emotional, but one day I woke up.
and I wondered....

where did everyone go?

A Fable.

I thought I'd start today's Blog with a poem.
Its entitled A fable, A tale.
I won't tell you exactly what I was talking about. Due, to the
fact of its up for your own interpretation, thoughts, and
discoveries, however, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it,
and its content. enjoy....?




I lie in bed and watch the rain fall from the desperate sky
Staring through the transparent glass seeing into your lies
Behind those striking eyes of yours you seem to believe
That you never cared, you never once wanted me
That day you said you did, those eyes of yours told a tale
A fable so true to me I never suspected it wasn’t real.
I get caught by your haunting gaze that captures in my thoughts
I wish, that I could overt my eyes but no my heart is caught
Caught between your smile and your inconsistent words
Words that control me, words so desperate to be heard
I sit and listen carefully praying they’ll be spoken
Because when it becomes silent I know I have awoken
You’ve always been a dream to me, that one day you’ll be mine
But when that day comes maybe then I’ll come to find
That once again I’ve been mislead down your fable tale
The one I’ve always wanted, the one that never will be real.



endddd:

Why is it so many a time we fall for it, fall for everything.
why is it that the can convince you anything, with their eyes.
They'll look into you deep, penatrating the wall you built so strategically
to shut Them out, untilt they are deamed safe.
yea, well. So many people, Know how to misuse their eyes.
Almost to a sickening point.
they know how to minapulate you, into commiting acts you never intended to do.
to believing lies.
and most of all, they know how to use them to make you fall in love.
even, if they're never willing too fall in love back,or never have the intention
too anyway.
I know at this point, to of you few that are reading
your doing one of two things
a. your agreeing because you know exactly what I mean unfortunately.
or
b. Your wondering just quite how cynical I am.
To those of you thinking b. Just, know that this is my thoughts, my deep ones. and I truely do enjoy life.
yes, its filled with some horrible things, but, for the most part, I adore it.
What you have to remember. is for me at least.

"I don't wish for a perfect life, because the mundaneous of it all, would kill me before any hard, difficult time would"
i said that one day. and ever since than. thats what I live by
I remember that without the bad times. The good ones wouldn't be half as sweet.

Point being, looks, are haunting. they'll be embedded in your memory, for a lifetime. more than words, or names, or memories. but trust me you'll remember countless gazes in your lifetime.
just be careful who you give the power to embed them too.


Thoughts?

When Does Time Stop?

When does time stop?
I mean ultimately we know the answer is never.
due to its impossibility.
but, with every lifetime there are countless, encounters and moments That it seems to. or you wish it too.
However, Now I find myself not in the moment wishing it, I just wish I could go back and relive it like a broken record. and I know that the magic, or power of that moment wouldn't ever subside.
I lie awake dreaming. yes, Not when i'm asleep, when i'm asleep i'm haunted by thoughts and fact, that it can never occur, my subconcious thoughts over power my hatred for those dreams. and they just continue.
So, I just lie awake and remember.
sometimes, they try to run away.
The memories try to escape, to tell me that it never happened.
I lie there grasping trying to retain them. trying to hold on to them so tightly wanted to scream, don't leave me. Because, there will be times that all you will have are the memories.
and I will hold them so close, that they will never escape.

or become distorted.

Sometimes when tragedy, strikes you wish time would stop.
I know after my car wreck time passed so quickly 2 hours seemed like
five minutes, granted this was due to the commotion and choas that was just held. but still. it happened.

that was my closest encounter to time stopping
because for me, the beautiful moments, my best moments in life. the
kind that make life beautiful and worth while, pass to quickly

sometimes, I need time to stop. Because honestly, i'm not ready to move on. I need time to cease so I can regain myself, compose myself, and than let me move on

But, while I sit and wish and dwell on the tragedy that had just entered my life.
I feel like the whole world should stop and mourn with me.
That what had just happened, isn't right, or fair,
and the fact that people all over right now are laughing, living, and experiencing possibly the greatest moment in their life isn't right. it just doesn't seem that way.
At the loss of my friend this past weekend, i still returned to work, trying to distract myself
from the loss that I had just experienced.
She is whole,
we a broken.
ironic.
that when she was dieing.
she taught us all how to live.
she was an inspiration and the loss of her. I prayed, and pleed that time would stop as I was
curled under my blankets, that time should stop. But, it wouldn't
The clock just ticked tauntingly next to me. refusing to fufill my plea

But, now. I will live. I will await those precious most that seem to pass to quickly.

question of the day:
why is it someone 'you used to spend hours on end talking to with ease, now you struggle to hold a conversation for more than 30 seconds...
bc I don't understand


Random Fact of the Day:
today, I bought fruit:D and i'm rather excited I just thought you should know.


Poem of the day:
An image. My image.
I stare at an image so serene and clear
It brings water to my eyes, one crystal like tear
Its just a boy and girl, on a path
.I quietly walk behind not daring to pass.
Because as I watch them walk along
I watch her realize he would never do her wrong
.In a moment I finally realize that I’m that girl
With this my complex mind starts to whirlIf that’s me and that’s you.
How am I watching from this point of view
I’m watching from a distance I can’t interrupt
I watch us walk but stop so abrupt
I watch him slowly stroke my face
I want to experience this moment let me stand in my place
His lips slowly part he mouths a some words or two
I listen quietly to hear my simple reply I love you.
And that moment a tear slid down my skin
I realized this happened already I’m reliving it again
I hear my name called. Than followed by pay attention
Just a quick sweet remembrance that failed to mention
The part when we had to utter goodbye
.I watched him walk away through my glazed eyes
.But sure enough the next day he came again
Stared into my eyes. I was lost in him.

my thoughts.

I
can
Not
Take
my family
any
longer.

An Accurate Depiction

sooo, this is a story.
That I wrote.
please tell me your thoughts or oppinions, thank you. :)








It was two o’clock in the morning on a Tuesday night and she sat on her tan carpeted floor hardly stirring at all. She sat there alone. It didn’t matter how late it was, she couldn‘t manage to close her eyes and silence the thoughts that pounded inside her head repetitively, long enough to fall asleep. She was exhausted in everyway, physically, emotionally, and mentally. But it didn’t matter she couldn’t sleep. She stared at her clear, still image in that mirror. That mirror that leaned against her wall, With notes and doodles taped along the edges that her and her friends had drawn during the countless hours they spent at school. A paper thin layer of dust covered the reflecting glass. She lifted her arm enveloped in her long dark blue sleeve and wiped it off. Seeing clearer the reflection it held. Did everyone else see what she did? Did they see the reflection before her? She reached out as to touch the person that was displayed before her eyes. Wishing she could change what she saw. If she could just alter it in almost ever way. At this she scooted closer to the mirror that emulated her image. Learning in till her face was only inches away from the mirror. She stared intensely at her own eyes. At what they held. She watched them slowly be covered with a layer of pent up water. Tears that she had been holding back for months. She didn’t ease up her gaze as the water increased and escaped those hazel eyes of hers. She wondered if everyone could see her weakness, hurt, or all that was going on inside of her. She was afraid they could see. That the whole world knew with one quick, simple glance all that she was feeling. Its why she most of the time avoided any eye contact, even those she was closest to. She feared people could see what was stirring with in her. That she was insecure, inept and broken. She was afraid that they could see the secret that developed more with each passing day. She kept looking. Looking into her eyes. That if maybe she looked long, and deep enough they would give some answer to the unrelenting questions as to who she was, and Who she was supposed to be. Neither of these she had an answer too. All she knew was she wanted to change. Wanted to hide the feelings ceiled with in her. The emotions that never let up. As tears streamed down her face and engulfed her eyes. The image she saw before her became imprecise, and blurred. She liked it that way. She couldn’t see herself. It was a more accurate depiction because honestly, she didn’t even know who she was supposed to see. She didn’t know who she was, or who she was meant to be She sat on that tan floor for hours. Tears streaming down her pale skin until her eyes turned bloodshot from the pain, and confusion with in her. She sat in complete silence until the sound of the rain lulled that beautiful lost girl to sleep.

Its funny isn't it...

Its funny isn't it. how we search for so long for something true to come along.
for something to happen that You can't explain
for that Someone... that makes you feel so alive
who doesn't take your breath away like everyone says
but He gives you a reason to breath.
I don't believe in love at first sight.
but you can feel an instant longing for them.
and that was there.
the countless months, the attatchment grew
the conversations lengthened. and it became more real
its funny isn't it...
how you think everything is fine until you meet them
and than you can't seem to remember what it was like before.
you remember everything since the day you met him though
down to exactly what he was wearing. well I do anyway
I remember the feeling, of everything the first time I saw him, the first time he said I miss you, the first time he broke my heart, and the first time we kissed.
They didn't go in the normal order but it didn't matter.
Our love was disfunctional.
but it was ours. so it didn't matter. I loved it anyway
some say it isn't worth the tears. but how do you know its real if you never cry.
I knew it was
I always knew...
I knew the way I'd stare at the clocks dreading the way the always seemed to whirl faster and faster

they would laugh at me ticking away showing pretty soon he'd have to leave and I just sit there
smiling remembering how great that night was

its funny isn't it...
that with each increasing day, I wanted him more.
talking for hours about nonsense. and laughing harder than ever before.
he understood me. unlike anyone else. and I understood him. the way he
would paint a picture and make his words flow almost melodically.
it was beautiful and it captured my attention

I remember the way I was afraid of my new school. I wished he would be going their with me. I wished everday we lived in the same town not 40 minutes away.
he sent me off with the words of Sarah, be yourself people will love you.
how... I asked in my worried tone
because your charismatic.
its funny isn't it.
how that made me smile more than any other compliment
how I craved just to hear his voice. to see his face.
I was shy in some aspects when he tried to get close

its funny isn't it ...
how he loved it. how he loved to watch me squirm
he would get close as if he was going to kiss my cheek just to watch me turn bright red
and shake.
I got goosebumps and everything.
and instead of him asking why I was soo "prude" he's laugh and watch me do it over and over again
he loved it.
and he made me feel comfortable.
and when we finally kissed.
I pray that anyone feels the way it does. when its innocent and sweet. and been anticipated for months.
I almost died. I turned redder than imaginable I could feel it and he just held me and whispered how adorable it was.

Its funny isn't it...
how the person who can make you the happiest.
can make you the saddest

its funny isn't it...
how, you finally are with him.
and he's taken from you

its funny isn't it...
how 6 month later you sit in your bed
remember the days he played piano for you
laughed with you
staring at the pictures
and the concerts and the times

its funny isn't it..
that you can wake up just like every other day and grab a shirt
but when you realize which one you grabbed you remember what happened the day you wore it with him

its funny isn't it...
that when he told you he loved you...
it was after you knew you could never be with him again

lifes funny that wayy isn't it?

My Crazy, Sarcastic, Deep, Witty, Best Friend

I'm at a loss of words
or at least an idea of what I should blog
soley on today...
but I think i'm gonna talk a little about my best friend
and shout at a thanks.

My Best Friend
in the midst of all the choas and petty drama known as highschool we manage to never fight,
Her giant beanbag up in her lofty room is a haven in which we can escape our problems and lets be honest open up a big bottle of bitch about the people in our lives. we confide in eachother. i'm never afraid of judgement or that she'll lie. she will be brutally honest. in which i'm forever thankful for.

The late night raps, and icecream, and shoe paintings. define our friendship...
random.
its never boring. and she is ALWAYS there for me.
She is one of the girls who doesn't exactly realize how fantastic she truely is.
between the constant witty banter and sarcastic comebacks.
our friendship is full of humor and spazz
And lets not forget the fact that we'll stay up late into the hours of the morning talking
speaking, of deep thoughts and hurt that we refuse to tell anyone else.
normally ending up with tears streaming down our face. I know she's there.
she's there ready to answer the phone, when something horrible happens.
to tell me it will get better. not that it will be okay. when we both know it truely
wont.
she stand there and lets me release all the pent up hurt as I throw my math book to the ground
or just sit there in silence because I'm too sad to speak. she cheers me up.
she'll make some remark simply as too DAMN him... DAMMMMNN him DAMN IT!
and thats enough to make me smile. and laugh.
the stories I could tell of our fun times. of our bond that grows with each day.

I'm so thankful for her. and for what she does for me.
I thank God everday that I have a Bestfriend like her.
and... I Hope maybe she reads this and knows she's loved.
and for all you. out there. who have a friend like this.
make sure you appreciate them.
and all those who are still searching...
just know they're trying to find you too.
because when you find your true best friend.
you form a bond tighter than sisters.
because no one will understand you like they do.
and too my best friend...
I LOVE YOU BUDDY!

while I should be learning about.... instead I blog

So, currently i'm sitting in the lab during creative cuisine and instead of learning about authentic midwestern food. I decided i'd rather do this. My creative cuisine class has some interesting people in it. one, is awesome, and we also have aut together. she's hilarious and always has a new story to tell that always ends with alot of laughter. the other is sarcastic and is at the moment about to hit me if she can't read this. she always is hiding things from us and teaching us new vocabulary. at least whatever the other girl forgot to tell us all about. most of which the first girl and I wish not to know. but however she is always ready to tell us anyway. The constant banter and witty come backs make this class fun. not that learning about table manners, and anatamy of an egg isn't just a blast and a half.

the weather today is so lovely. okay yea i'm seriously going to talk about the weather. but honestly step outside its amazing. well at least here it is. next I have honors Algebra two which is the death of my happy soul. as you might have noticed most of my blogs are so random. i'm slightly a random person.


today is blessed friday, hear the hallalujah chorus! however I have no idea... what I will do. but Spontaneity is the best anyhow. however tomorrow. will be work:) yea. i'm always excited for that. then I'm going to take my hilarious, claustrophobic friend to a friend of mines screamo concert at cici's pizza. haha. I can't wait to see the reaction from a girl whose definition of "hard music" is one of taylor swifts fast songs. but she assured me if there is pizza she'll be happy. I just want to document her reaction. due to the fact I am more than sure it will be priceless.

My best friend.... wait. she needs a whole blog dedicated to herself. so that will be later:) but I do love her. rest be assured

oh so many thoughts.

well. since i have failed to blog lately. this blog will be sparadic, and scatterbrained. and very imformative.

stage one: the play
my play was this weekend. performing as you like it in the 60's theatre is such a beautiful thing. so freeing, the adranaline rush. its uncomparable. between the bright lights, make up, and unforgetable people. this play turned out to be one i'll always remember. late at night afterwards i received a text from my other brother. he's 18 so this was highly unexpected. it stated, Sarah, you were amazing tonight, i've never seen any one so genuinely happy in my entire life as I saw you after your play. its amazing seeing you like that. don't ever stop okay?
that one simple text meant so much to me. almost brought tears to my eyes. (p.s. i hardly cry)
but, anyway. it meant alot and the play was simply amazing...

stage two: work
work, some people cringe at the word but i find myself smiling. I adore going to work. I love the people I work with. and the people I meet. The laughs, the memories, and I get paid. how much better could it get. this weekend we had a contest. and somehow i managed to win. selling the most 50 or over dollar purcheses. between the witty banter, the hidden notes, and getting paid... work has become a safe haven for me. escaping the drama of highschool. seeing that I work with all college people. however. every safe haven at one point most be infected..... by SOMEONE. but thats where i'll stop...

stage three: math
okay, I know math is necessary. but first off. for all you reading this who havn't reached H algebra two. i wanna let you know. when your teacher tells you that you can NOT find the square root of a negative number.... THEY ARE LIEING they will make you do it. see you find imaginary numbers. the point. don't ask me. and since when is the difinity of 6 to the square root of 349 over 7 to the 62 power. an answer i mean really. what are you gonna do with that. NOTHING! its so pointelss


I'm also entering a writing contest... which i'm rather excited for. 55% of entries get published. the pressure is on! i'm going through the process of selecting a piece than putting it under heavy analyzation and editing. to make sure its perfect!

sorry. the next blog will have more of a point just wanted to let everyone know i'm still alive!

Mood swing

well, this morning started with me waking up far to late racing to school and trying to get math checked off. which i won't explain why thats necessary you should ask my teacher. but anyway next was spanish and I got a bonus point for knowing when the treaty of paris was signed. thank you google:). but over all the day was lovely. i was just in a good mood. and you know those days when you get compliments yea there great well. me and my black long sleeve shirt black highwasted skirt (lace pattern) and bright pink tights and black fringe boots and i pink flower set in my hair. i felt rather cute. until i walk into the door at home first thing i get is glances up and down in dismay from my loving brother and sister. i want to be okay with who i am. and how i dress. because its me. and I feel me in it. but their looks honestly cut deep. i'm sick of being called the black sheep of the family. you know it just it gets old. and depressing. and sometimes frankly it just hurts. well sorry for this whine. and thank you for listening. i went from extremely happy to upset. amazing what one thing can do to you right.

what I learned today.

First and for most I want to apologize for any incorrect grammar or typos. It will happen and i'll be to unconcerned with correcting it. well today i learned two very important things. what we will first talk about was a. what it feels like to staple your finger. the answer is a mixture of laughter and pain. today while in my creative cuisine class i got in a rather heated discussion with a fellow classmate you see, she seemed for some odd reason to think that if you fail to have sex before you get married you were much more likely to have a divorse. i didn't see the logic my rebutle was half joking half serious. and i have a nasty habbit of figiting with things and the only near by was a stapler and presto. next the room filled with a scream. more of shock than pain. followed by laughter. with such a thing as stapling yourself one can't help but laugh.


b.to play magic
during the downtime at play i decided it was time i tried to learn the game that most of the theatre kids play. let me tell you. its rather confusing. with all the mythical creatures, manna, and remedies, shields and stuff i can't even begin to tell you. but it was rather fun. and tom maybe i'll actually accomplish something in the game.


and don't worry next i'll begin to post some stories and such:)

why hello there.

Why hello there,
I'm just a girl, living in this crazy world. listening to people tell me it is what it is. but young and curious I can't bring myself to believe that. I think its just a tad more complicated than that. here I will share some thoughts and stories I will write. trying to capture what the world is, or what people feel. also, some random excerpts from my life. so enjoy and feel free to share your oppinions. i'd love to hear them:)